now…now…now

decided to start getting fit…..aerobics and pilates….

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another day

just another typical sunday for me.went to mass.afterwards, went with nino’s family to derry…..shopping time they said….for them, i guess….didnt see anything to buy for myself…..just enjoyed spending time with them….instead of staying at home again by myself….

getting there….getting there…..
just enjoy…..and before you know it everythings back to normal…..

Stop…look…listen…

STOP…
You did everything already.actually more than what is expected.its making you crazy already,destroying your life,making you stagnant.making you sad.all the signs are in front of you already….stop….you have to stop….stop now…..

LOOK…
Helping yourself is the solution.by doing this you get over the pain and sadness.there are so many things to do to achieve happiness.look…..just look and you would find….

LISTEN…
GOD would never forsake you…just listen…..

who stole my magic

being away from home for a long time has not been a problem for me.i have a few days of being homesick but thats it.i love where i am now,enjoying my work,liking my friends,loving the travels during off days,shopping,going out sometimes,independently enjoying every moment of it.never complained,contented….

it never entered my mind that september 2009 everything would change.that because of LOVE….I wasnt/i wont be the same anymore….

everybody was trying to look for single guys to introduce to me.being 30 yrs old then,i dont have a boyfriend, i wasnt even going out.busy with work and during my off days i was busy going shopping,travelling,eating out with friends.or if not i would be at home watching movies/series on my computer.it bugs me sometimes that i dont have a boyfriend but i just continued with whatever i was doing.
a close friend gave my cellphone num to a guy he was working with.he even showed my picture to the guy.i was in germany attending a convention when the guy txted me.he was asking if i wanted to meet up that night if i wasnt busy.i told him i was in germany and wouldnt be back until the end of the week.told him that i would just txt him when im back home so that we could set up a date when we could meet up.that time i was thinking why not meet him.im single,it could be fun and it was a long time already that i havent gone out with somebody.i dont know what he looks like.but what the heck first time going out on a blind date,why not?
he wasnt bad.a nice guy.talkative…..OKAY…..he asked me if i want to meet up again with him.i said okay….we got to know each other.we started going out.and at the end he became my boyfriend.i got to know him. i got to know whats the story why he is still single at the age of 34.he was engaged to be married already but the girl cheated on him so they broke of the engagement.but since he loves the girl and the girl was asking for another chance they got back together,trying to regain the love and the trust that was lost.
decemeber came and all of a sudden he broke up with me.reason:he said he still loves her ex-gf.theres not enough words that could describe what i felt that time.we were having fun,enjoying each others company.it never entered my mind that he would just break up with me all of the sudden.although i had a bad feeling already because his ex-gf was still txting him/ringing him when we were together.i wasnt with him 24/7 so i dont know if they were seeing each other or not.(but friends say they are).
after a few days he said he wanted me back.he said sorry and asked for another chance.due to love i accepted him back.regardless of what my family,friends advice i gave him another chance.i believe people deserve chances.
february 2010 came.and he again broke up with me.reason:he doesnt know what he wants.and as usual his ex-gf.i cant believe that a person coud do that.break someones heart twice.i thought he changed already.i thought he could not hurt me anymore because the first time he asked if i could give him another chance he was so firm in saying that its me he wanted.
i was really hurt.i was crying all the time,living and looking like a zombie.going to work just because its needed, not eating just crying and crying.i ended being hospitalized,gastritis and was having palpitations.everybody was saying he wasnt worth it.that its better that we broke up because he doesnt love me really.so many comforting words from people who truly love me.but easier said than done.all the words fell in deaf ears.
good thing im going home to my parents for a month.atleast i would be far away from him and from everything that would remind me of him.aleast i said i could mend my broken heart,move on and by the time i have to go back im renewed and not hurting anymore.
it was hard at first.but eventually i was able to do it.i got to know that my ex-bf and his ex-gf(the one i was talking about earlier)got back together.i said atleast now he got what he really wanted, the girl that he truly loves and could not forget.
when i got back,i was feeling much better.i looked better (not haggard anymore). a better person with a better disposition in life.i got back to my old self…..the cheerful,bubbly,happy girl i was…..
then out of the blue the guy txted me again.saying that he just broke up with the ex-gf and that this time its for sure already.he the said he wanted me back and that he was stupid that he chose her over me.sweet words came pouring again…..at first i was able to stand on my ground,resist everything….but when you get to think you begin to realize somethings…..thats when it dawned to me that i still love him.that ive forgiven him for all the hurt.and that i was open to the idea of getting back together…when people close to me got to know this,they were not happy about it.everybody was advicing me not to give him another chance because of our history….because of his history that all he gave me was pain….and because they know that he didnt love me….being a stubborn girl……everything again fell on deaf ears…..all the what ifs,buts and maybes came flooding in my head…..

right now i could say im in the lowest level of my life…..im not myself anymore…..im again a different person,very far from who i am really…..now….who stole my magic?will i ever get it back?………….

alone….

ive never felt so alone…and that day is today…i guess each and everyone of us has those days…….when you just feel so down….so sad…..when you feel that nothings going right…..when you feel empty…..when you just cry your heart out coz thats the only thing you could think about that would atleast release the loneliness you feel…..

Bookstores…..

Im off early today.ummm….what to do?….visit a bookstore….

what i did today…..

today is not a bad a day for me.after working for 2 days im glad that i have today as my rest day.i was planning to go for a walk in the park thats why i woke up early.it was drizzling when i got in my car.and when i reached the park,it started to pour.tried waiting for the rain to stop (because thats usually what happens)but to my dismay, it just rained more.decided to go home.so much for the idea of walking and trying to be healthy.thinking of how to spend my day,i remembered that a collegue of mind lent me a book….eat pray love by Elizabeth Gilbert.i started reading it and instantly i fell in love with the main character.IM SO LIKE HER…..(although im not married,never was married).but the feelings she has been experiencing is what im feeling right now…..(once ive finished the book i’ll try to write something about it).i got so engrossed by it that i forgot i have to do some chores.anyway, i had no choice but to put the book aside first and finish the things i have to do.
not a bad day really….so far little by little im going back to my old self again.there’s still this few minutes that i stop and stare into space and just think…..but i guess i just needed time for it to go back to what it is back then…..slowly…..day by day….